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I'm Zane 21 toy store manager insomniac with depression and anxiety. I like marlboro reds bourbon beer and bad jokes *cheeky grin* *geeky thumbs up*
Some do drugs, others go out for a run, but at the end we’re all just searching for that tiny space, perhaps a hole, that gives us shelter from the terrible reality of the world.

Unknown  (via itsbcubed)

Run. Keep running. Run faster. Don’t stop. Your legs will cramp. Your lungs will burn. Tears will be shed, but as long as you keep running nothing can hurt you. Except that life has a way of catching up to you. So you can be serpentine, or the fastest man alive. You can get in a car or a plane, even a rocket, but you’ll never be fast enough. Eventually enough seeps through the cracks to drown you, so you might as well accept that life has a way of catching up to you.

Just let me be. I’ve locked myself away in this public place and thrown away the key. Can’t you see that I don’t want to be spoken to? Does the earbud in my left ear not make it clear that i can’t hear you? I don’t need you to tell me how to get where I’m going, in case the upside down map I’m holding didn’t make it obvious enough. 

Let me speak. Give me a chance to say how I feel and why. I know that you have things to say, and I understand and I hear you, but I need to figure out my own way. I want to explain to you the depths of my being and what I have surging inside me. Whether it boils over or I tear it out of my chest let me expel these words from my breast. Don’t interrupt when I’m talking just let me purge myself of this pain that I carry day in and day out. I can see your thoughts and feelings that you’ve gathered from the path you’ve taken, and I’m listening to your beliefs and your beliefs in me, but let me walk my own way. Just hear me out now, but if you wouldn’t mind, remind me what I was talking about.

I sat with my head down. The TV was on but I wasn’t watching the movie that I had already seen a few dozen times. The loneliness had set in. There was no one around to share the laughs with or to over analyze the plot. No one to look at, to talk to, to sit with, to hold. I needed something more, so I got up and left. I left my home and my friends, my job and my car, my responsibilities and my life behind. I just walked. I’m not in great shape but my legs almost never give out. I can walk a mile in 12 minutes, or so my high school gym teacher informed me. That means in an hour i could walk 5 miles, and in a day i could walk 120 miles, with a few breaks to eat what little food i consume, sit or stretch or use the bathroom in a day i rounded down to 100 miles. I got up and and I walked for days and days. The weather patterns changed, the trees morphed, their leaves changing shape and color ever day that i shuffled my feet across the ground beneath them. I walked until what I felt sat right in my stomach. I drifted into a soft purple field of heather and laid to rest at ease. I still felt very much alone, but for once in my life I felt justified and at peace with myself.

His eyes are wide. He’s staring, but he doesn’t realize. She’s nervous. She curls her fingers and clutches them tightly in her palms. He was cute at first, but he hasn’t blinked in far too long. She’s getting scared and angry, He’s such a creep, I’m gonna be here a while, I’d better say something. She removes herself from her seat and her friends, pantomiming being right back. She jostles through the crowded room getting more frustrated and angry, Why did he pick me to stare at? What does he even want? Does he think he hot shit or something, that he can do stuff like that to people? Finally she is standing behind him. It isn’t surprising that he’s still staring, but what’s curious is that he’s still staring at where she was. Her hands are shaking, maybe this was a bad idea. She clears her throat, he doesn’t notice, “Uhm.. Excuse me?” she offers sternly.

"What’s that…?" His head shakes violently for a moment and he blinks hard a few times involving his full eyebrows and cheeks,"Oh, sorry. Can I help you?"

"No! I mean, uhh… sorry, I thought you were someone else." He was spaced out? So he’s not a creep? Well maybe, but at least not overtly. 

"Well, then I guess i was…" He cracks a smile and pauses for laughter, but her mind is off on some new tangent, "someone else. get it?" He bursts out laughing as she smiles and chuckles. 

He is kind of charming, even if his jokes are bad. It’s kind of funny how much he enjoys them. "Maybe next time you’ll be exactly who I’m looking for."

"Oh?" He understands this remark as much as she enjoyed his joke.

"I’m Meghan by the way. You should come sit with me and my friends, we can get to know each other."

"Yeah, I think I’ll do that." I can’t believe she actually talked to me, she noticed me, she wants to get to know me. I hope she didn’t catch me looking at her before…

days go by, weeks, months, a year and then some. I still wake up in a cold sweat wondering what I’m even thinking about, shaking like a leaf. Trying to stop it only lets the fatigue set in faster. I feel weak; I couldn’t get out of bed if i tried. The cravings hit; my body yearns for something more, something it thinks it still needs, but I refuse to succumb to its demands. Deep breaths; In - I’m on my feet, and out - walking towards the door, in - get into the shower, out - get dressed, in - leave the house. My heart pounds back and forth between the base of my throat and the inside of my chest. Leave the house, my legs wobble until i grit my teeth and lock my knees. Stand tall, back straight, shoulders back, chest out, be strong - leave the house.

Any questions?

I didn’t think so, well in that case let me ask a few things of you. what do you see when you look at me, past my skin and bone. What do you think is inside this case, this shell that i call home? Do I have dreams and aspirations and what might those be? Do i like music more, movies, or possibly tv? whats my favorite color, maybe pink purple or chartreuse? Have you thought of your own questions yet? are you tired of this abuse?

please just ask me anything, you don’t need an excuse. You are allowed to talk to me whether it’s day or night, even if you know i won’t answer right. if im working leave a message, if i’m sleeping wake me up,  I’ll answer when i can even if it’s just a ‘yup’ 

So scream for my attention, and never play coy, don’t you see i’m a boy, i won’t play that game, my hearts not a toy. It’s fragile, so i’ll keep it locked away from you if fooling around is all you do. I just want to talk and laugh and love and sing, with you and as many people as you can think to bring. even if that’s one or none we can have a good time, just talk to me, ask me questions, just don’t ask me to rhyme. 

Last night I walked into  a tea shop unlike any you’ve ever seen or any i’ve been, it was like i was in a dream. I sat as the waitress brought me a cup i didn’t order she said it wasn’t for me instead it was for her. I sipped it and i could feel my mind open as wide as my eyes, i realized I was empty inside and i inquired what kind of tea could have this ability, to make me see clearly how hollow of a man i can be. She told me it was clarity and i thought she was joking, asked what she had been smoking,but honestly it was my intrigue that i was cloaking. Well then what else have you got? She said try this, be careful, its hot. It’s sweet, you’ll like it just don’t have too much or it’s your soul not your teeth that  will rot. I tasted it, she was right, it was delicious, that is until the after taste hit, so bitter I’d have to spit if my teeth didn’t grit. I looked up for answers and she whispered prosperity, and that after bit, greed, It’s a tea we don’t really need, and with that i agreed. 

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